Improve because fuck it

I see a lot of people less than fulfilled with what their doing

it’s not the dream they want to be pursuing

I wonder if we all changed this concept

we would be able to alter our views on this mindset

How many of us are left unfulfilled because we are not doing what we love?

Even if you may not have lot in faith up above

questioning yourself about who you should be

so, why not be who you are truly?

Maybe i’m speaking to myself

But I think we all need a little bit of help

There is strength in numbers

Why don’t we all act as brothers?

More open to how others feel

Less judgment on how some one but you, may deal

I long for full on acceptance

Not a person who has hateful vengeance

I see the world changing

Which brings so much cultural ranging!

I’m excited to see what happens before I die

till then, I think ill eat a slice of pie

Thanks all! Please comment and critic, that’s the only way to get better. 🙂

Do you Believe in Signs?

Many of us have heard of penny’s from heaven, or feathers from angles. But what about everyday signs, what about the signs that you don’t realize are signs. What about the signs that you do catch and they change your life?

It was another day at work, and I was bopping around cleaning things and answering phones. It was an easy day in the shop and I was in a day-dreamy mood. That was when an older lady strolled in. I greeted her and she asked if one of the stylists was in. I replied “Yes, but she’s with a client.” “Oh bother, that’s alright I was just wondering if she would be interested in talking to me about getting my hair done.”

It being my job to gather information about what the clients want, I asked what she looking to get done.  She surprised me when she said she wanted to dye it blue, or purple, and me being the curious person I am, I asked her “why?”

She told me that she had been down in California, and when she was there she met a bunch of girls who in her words “had beautiful, colorful hair.”

Then when we started a conversation about when she was younger it would have been “freaky” to dye your hair anything aside from a shade that was natural.

Mean while me, being a child of the 90’s, this want was an easier concept to accept. She started explaining to me how she had always dreamed of being a hairstylist, but her parents frowned upon it. She went on to be a nurse, and though she didn’t regret it, she always wished she had followed her heart.

She asked me about what my future aspirations were. I who have struggled commenting to a major, was left without words.  She then took my hands and asked “what is in your heart?” I then, fairly taken aback replied “I’m not quite sure.” Though, I did, I wasn’t so comfortable telling her about my big dreams. Her, seeing through me, asked again “What is in your heart?” I then told her I dreamed of writing. She then smiled the sweetest smile. I have this taped in my mind. She looked at me, and said “you should do it.” She had never read any of my writing, but she believed in me. This stranger who had spoken to me for about 30  minutes had more confidence in me than I did.

We wrapped up our conversation, but I was left reeling in my mind. The act of believing in yourself is hard to commit too. When you follow what makes you the happiest, even if it doesn’t turn out how you expect, or it doesn’t make you the money you thought you would make, that’s an act of courage. I let so many mind blocks hold me back from what would bring me the most genuine life, the life I deserved. The life that everyone deserves. I believe what ever anyone’s wildest dream is, is what they were born to do. I let so many mental things stop me for writing. The fact I knew I would be criticized on my lack of ability to have proper spelling and grammar. I felt that people would get so hung up on that, they wouldn’t read the story that I was writing.

I know that woman was  a sign form the universe. They were like “Hey Alyssa! You can! Go for it!” Perhaps the turtle dose usually beat the hare. Maybe taking the scenic route is the most enriching. However this enfolds, i’m excited. I hope that everyone follows who their authentic self is. I hope everyone is inspired, and dose something courageous in pursuit of their dreams. One thing I think we are all learning is, not to care what other people think. It’s so hard, but it’s something that will bring you so much joy it’s worth every confused glance, or misinterpretation.

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I hope you all enjoyed! Leave me comments, and critics. Help me build my dreams so they can come true.

Thank you all,

Love Alysia

A Person on One of the Worst Days of Their Life

Today I met a woman who was having one of the worst days of her life.

She was running late, just returning from the U of M. I asked if she was a professor, and she replied with” no, I was there to be apart of a trial study for my son”. Her son a man with autism, OCD, and turrets. They were hoping to be chosen for an experimental brain implant that would suppress his turrets. I had no idea, her son was so kind and happy. He even complimented my boots, she said he only gave compliments that he meant, so take it to heart, I did. 🙂

During our conversation I admired her strength. She was patient with her son, you could see how much she loved him. She went on to tell me how her son was bullied.. spit on in school, her other son would stand up for him. When he did he would get into trouble, and eventually he moved in with his grandparents. She said this was one of her hardest days, and then she spoke to me in the gentlest voice.

Gazing out the window she said “My sister is going to die today.”

In an encounter like this, it’s hard to explain the bomb that, that was.

Her sister had cancer, and her son didn’t understand what death was. She explained to me that he thought of everyone as cartoons. He had been hit by 2 cars and still didn’t comprehend cause and effect.

I then blurted out “Are you going to see her?”

and she said “no..”

They had seen her 2 days ago. Her sister loved that boy as her own, and had said not to bring him around her after that. He wouldn’t understand that she had died and would not be coming back.

Here I was looking at a women who had the strength of a warrior, and the compassion of a saint. I felt all my problems were nothing compared to hers. I looked at her and realized that I was interacting with someone who was having one of the worst days of their life. She was staying busy by getting her hair done, keeping her mind off everything. I was lucky to have a moment to experience that with her. I said as much as I could without sounding intrusive, but all I really wanted to do was hug her, and say all the wonderful things I was thinking. When it was time for her to leave she took my hand and asked my name. I said “Alyssa” and she said “It was a pleasure to meet you Alyssa” and there she went.

After meeting her I wondered how many other people were having one of the worst days of their lives.

I stood there unable to stop thinking about her. Here I am still thinking of what an impact she made on me. Then I did some research on autism.

I hope everyone enjoys this story as I did. Thanks to all who read.

The Mind Plays Intelligent Games

Disenchanted by life, I beckoned for escape

after attempting to fly on the same gust of wind that lifted my peers wings

I became jealous, and full of self pity that it wouldn’t carry me away too

The process seemed methodical; down, left, right, and then up

Why wasn’t it working for me? Moving seemed so easy for them

Questions only led to more questions,  and eventually to mental anguish

The games the mind can play are wicked, and intelligent

I started to believe the sharp jabs, what a foolish thing to do

In my mental confusion an immoral hand greeted me kindly

It ushered me into an unforgiving land

A place of darkness, and yet I stayed unsure of what to do

I felt my feet becoming less, and less grounded

The firm roots I had planted, seemed to lift and hold me down no more

I knew better than to let myself go, but the carefree feeling felt so easy..

Letting go was a twisted, erotic experience

I was floating higher, and higher

Realizing I was the only one who could pull myself back down I panicked

I saw a vision of the end, I had to choose

I could barley see the ones I loved below me

A sudden moment of clarity washed over my vision

How could I let this happen to myself! I was better than this!

Freighted to go back I looked the other way, I could.. I could just go..

A voice entered my ear and whispered “Let go”

I said “No, i’m scared”

Is said “Let go”

I let go

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Greeted by all those who love me. They cheered as I came back down. I remembered who I was once again.

Tribute to a Good Soul

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Today marks the anniversary of a former classmates death. It’s strange to know a person who has passed away, and at such a young age.  Although the passing of this young man was post graduation, the effect he left was huge.  You don’t realize how fragile life is, and how big of a void that life leaves behind.

When you are young, it’s difficult to understand that life is a gift. You take it for granted, and it is difficult to comprehend that you could die. We are young and invincible right?

This soul passed away under unfortunate circumstance.

He was known for his infectious humor, embodying the role of “class clown”. He cracked jokes on flip of a coin, and seemed to be wearing an eternal smile. These attributes were noticed by anyone who knew him.

Now, I was not a close friend. I understand the sensitivity of those who did have a close personal relationship with him, and want to respect his life by not pretending I had one. I just wish to share how his life affected mine.

I saw a psychic medium for fun a month after his passing. I went in with no intention of hearing anything from this young man. At the end of the reading the medium paused and said “someone is really trying to get through, named (name of classmate).” I was shocked, I had not thought he would want to speak to me. It did make sense, because I am one of the few he knew who was interested in metaphysical things. She validated how he passed, and names of a few other people who I knew he was friends with. It was one of the most amazing events that I was privileged to experience. I left wanting to reach out to everyone who knew him. I wanted to comfort them with positive thought, by knowing he is still with them. Unfortunately, not everyone is open to this. I understand the taboo nature of the information I share with people, and I pray the good intention of knowing helps the healing process.

One thing I did notice was the way people chose to celebrate his life..

Choosing to partake in any mind altering substance use seems to me, wrong. There are so many ways to show love to the soul who has passed. I understand this can be offensive to some, but I felt strong desire to share. By no means am I shaming or belittling anyone who has celebrated him this way. It just seems backwards to want to on such an occasion. Staying sober and present would be far more productive, and meaningful to his time spent on earth.

His life was not wasted, his passing has influenced far more people than we realize. It is tragic, but using it positively brings honor to his name. Showing that he made a difference in someone who may have not changed without having known the young man.

I invite all of us to join together in happy memory, and do something good in his name.

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Thank you all. You make a difference.

Back at it

Back in black, and back in the blogging game. It’s easy to become discouraged when you don’t see your work floursh immediately. Though I know that it takes dedication to find sucess, I may be impatient. 😉 Yet, I found myself longing to blog again, and so here I am. 🙂  Ready to rock N’ roll.image

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Now, here’s some improve poetry 😘✌️

Sitting in the grass appreciating the stars, nowadays it felt as though she came from Mars 

contemplating the strangeness of earth, why humans created things with no real worth 

such matters only caused frustration, it took unneasicary concentration 

So, looking up at night, out there in space was infinite light 

Simply knowing there was more, was enough for the spirit to soar

what dose it matter the mind thought, as long as the one never forgot

Alone wasn’t lonely, in fact it felt quite holy 

staring into outer space, she knew, there, somewhere was her true place 

A bit of Piece of Mind.

People judge people if they are wearing makeup or not. If they have to much makeup on of to little. The colors they chose for thus makeup. The critics are always on the lookout. Looking to tear you apart like hyenas. Fresh meat, you are less than me. Truly, they are insecure. There shadow self torments them daily. Walking by any window, or making special trips to the bathroom to check there appearance. What’s the trend? OMG your wearing THAT?! GAG! … What a fat ass.. Go eat another box of Twinkies.. Omg she has had sex with like 15 different guys.. whore. Those people are really the ones who are committing the worst crimes. They are so insecure they want power over you. They want to hurt you to feel powerful. Sad thing is most people will give them power to over rule. If so and so thinks so it must be true!

In high school that’s how the popular people how popular. They just decide they were better. That was the only thing.

Age cures this a bit, but its always going to be relevant. With how much money you make, what career you choose, just literally anything that takes making a decision.

What needs to be drilled in our brains is none of that matters. Only you. What makes you happy. Working at McDonalds is all you want to do? POWER TO YOU!

That is al that matters. Let them suffer in there over critical world.

They are never going to be as happy as you

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Gravity bound body with eyes to the sky. Imagination colored sight.

 Many she had known, are now victims to the life they were told to live.

Depression was the disease of her generation.

Glitter, and light floated through the air. She was made of that magic.

Rules to follow, are rules to break.

Long breaths. She was alive.

What else it there to do but just take her time? You have all of eternity to get it right.

Peace within, spread outside

People with the most interesting story’s. Fascinating tales of adventure, and loss.

Hero’s who wont be remembered, and posers who will

addiction, confliction, mutilation, conviction

What are you suffering with?

Send it to the wind.

You can do whatever you want. You really can.

You can leave and never look back.

Cut the person out who doesn’t deserve your attention.

Free yourself from that addiction.

Go after that dream that was too far fetched.

Be yourself with no apologies.

Use your imagination for its the only thing that will keep you sane.

Stop worrying about what they think.

They are fighting there own battle within.

The best people are those who don’t care.

You know when you meet them, for, the confidence they put off is uncanny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Success and our Heads

I want to be successful so badly,I cant even express the feeling.

 

But hey that’s okay! I will take that throw it in my fire, and let it blow up. I don’t care.

Wasting too much time in my head. Why because I am human. After living in fear you are exhausted. All your energy is wasted and the dreams you do have start to fade. That’s the sadness entering, your inner child is heartbroken, like it found out Santa is  not real.

You gave up. You are scared, you might not make it. You don’t see the point if you aren’t guaranteed success. Living a life of “What if’s” Haunted by the the people who are doing what you desired.You wish you tried now?

Now your angry. You are better then them and they got what you want. How does that make you feel? Upset.

The beautiful thing is take that and use it to get what you want. The universe is waiting to hear from you. You are a creator with all of the tools you need to succeed.

Whatever you are passionate about is what you are meant to do. Whatever you love to learn is what you are meant to teach. You are to master your passions and spread them for the world to enjoy.

People make up in there head these rules for life. That you can’t get famous for it’s impossible. That you can’t do what you like unless it’s practical. That you will go for whatever can make you the most money.

I have been brainwashed into thinking I was meant for a office job, and rot away in a cubical.

Looking forward to a sunny life working 9-5. GAG

That’s not for me anyways.

I suppose this is a wake up call. That you dont have to follow some made up rules. You can shine brighter than anything when you follow your dream.

Even when you might fail, which is mostly going to happen, your still okay, now time to try another way. Plant as many seeds as you can so if some plants don’t grow others will.

It’s hard but those failures will make you appreciate your success. It also makes you give your best. If you never failed you would never learn.

You are your biggest fan and own worst enemy. Just like that devil and angel analogy.

I care so much it hurts, because I’ve chosen a tough path.

I know I would never be happy going the smoothest course. By choosing the harder one I have to be ready for difficult obstetrical and painful moments.

Yet, your mind is a powerful thing. Whallo in my pain or take it so that I can gain its wisdom.

Love yourself and be kind to you. For that’s what you are here and meant to do.

Others are on there own journeys, looking through life from there own creation of reality.

Choose to do what you want and surround yourself with people who love that. Cut people out who bring you down.

Negative people no matter how much you might care, will never benefit you.

Do what you want, feel how you feel, go at your own pace, and you will heal.

 

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We are all Rudolf the reindeer. Our uniqueness is our gift.

 

 

 

On a Sunday Afternoon

I have not seen a Sunday at work this slow in a while. I suppose after the last few days I’ve ha ill take it. My younger sister turned me onto the Lana Del Ray cover of “Once upon a Dream” I had not been very interested in her before, but this cover changed my mind. It’s spooky. Bringing out the poet in me, I wrote this:

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Enchanting me to Maleficence

Smooth, gentle steps on spongy moss

Hair let down in moonlit gloss

Indigo painting the night sky so divine

Wearing a dress made of twine

Await I hope he has

Never had she felt love just as

Soon he should appear

sweet love of mine, such sincere

thee wood line broke

No familiar face, exhaled a croak

Anger seeped in her veins

powerful enough to mask the pains

She chose not to go back

Retreating into the black 

Something inside was changed

she was cast away, estranged

Her brain twisted

surrendering forever to the side of the wicked

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Happy Sunday! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! 

Alysia 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I hated Hockey.

One of the largest mental confusions of my life has been happening for I don’t know… a solid 2 and a half years. I really didn’t have much flexibility with making my own decisions while growing up. Most of you who knew me through grade school, know I was heavily involved in athletics. My parents had me in everything under the sun. I will tell you that, I did not like most of them.

If I had been able to choose, I would have been in plays, speech club, dance, and things of that nature. My parents love me, and this has nothing to do with a diss towards them. For having them put me in sports like hockey made me who I am. It was one, if not the most, important life experience I have been through thus far.

When I was younger I was painfully shy. I’m saying so shy if someone took my hat and thought it was there’s I would have let them keep it, so I could avoid confrontation. Which made it very difficult when it came time for me to voice how I felt about things. My dad was a fantastic runner through high school and college. In fact, he received a full ride to the U of M for Track and Field from his talent. That is what made his life special, and I know he wanted nothing more but for his kids to experience the same glory. Thing is… I am not like my dad in that way. I had no ambition towards being a superstar athlete.

When I was in 3rd grade I started a fall down hockey league. I remember how fun and innocent it was. It was still co-ed at this point, and I was with mostly boys, who were already practicing how to check each other. I just wanted to skate around. When you skate on ice, it is walking on water. You start to glide, and a cold breeze slips across your face, a delicate balancing act of sharp metal on smooth ice. This was my first taste of hockey, and it was good.

Once you progress into the older levels it gets heavily competitive. I know a lot if not every girl on my team had a parent in the background critiquing them. Wanting their kid to be the best. This is where all of the bad starts manifesting. I know there were parents who were just happy their kid was doing something, but I also know hockey is an incredibly political sport. It’s not like track where if your the fastest well your #1, a lot goes into it.

Once it started to get political that’s when things got rough. I was put into a situation where I was not the best, but was expected to be it. When you are in a sport the way you get good is by one- be a natural, or two- love what your doing so much that you work hard to achieve it. I was not a natural, nor did I love what I was doing.

I could get into all the fall outs, tears, and moments of misery but there is no use. Many arguments leading nowhere, and confrontations that I would like to keep private.It took me a while to get over how traumatic being in hockey was for me, as strange as that might seem. Now, I wouldn’t take it back, but I would not want to be apart of that again. I see the other girls reminiscing about it, and wishing they could just “play one more game” and I am like.. sounds like a nightmare.

My dad didn’t understand why I didn’t want to try my best, and I had a coach who for some reason didn’t like me. I was still very shy, and didn’t make myself obvious. I didn’t want the attention. My dad is a very competitive person. He wanted to see me flourish and be amazing! Putting me in year round camps, I often was in a few sports at once so id have 2-3 practices a day to attend.  It took a toll on my body. I only got injured twice in my athletic career: a broken collar bone, and a sprained ankle. Even when your injured, there is this unspoken rule that you need to be back as soon as possible, even if your not completely healed. There were times were I was still in pain, but there was no use even speaking up about it, since then you get sat and left feeling guilty.

I grew to resent it, I was exhausted. Id look at the kids who got to go home right after school with envy. I’d have morbid fantasy’s of getting injured too badly to finish the season, it was misery. I often wanted to quit before high school was over. My dad refused saying “id come this far your not a quitter” but in my head I was fine being a quitter.

I was not a coaches favorite either, in fact I think he wasn’t fond of me at all. He was nice enough because he had to be, he was a coach, but honest I thought he was slightly crazy, and I was semi of scared of him. I never wanted to talk to him, or be called into his office. He was never kind or very encouraging with me. I can understand now, I wasn’t going to go off and try to play in college. He wanted to be a all star coach, and worked with the top players of our team. Probably having aspirations of moving up to a college level. He did a fine enough job since we made it to state my senior year. I’m sure if there are any ex players reading, they might have different opinions about this. I will leave them with: to each there own.

When I would get called into his office, I was always told pretty much that I wasn’t good enough. I would leave in held back tears, to a sea of eyes curious about what went on in the meeting we’d had in the office. I just didn’t feel valued, I felt all the work I did for the sport was wasteful.

After the last hockey game I ever had I really didn’t know what to do. I remember it was late, I sat on my living room couch and sobbed. I couldn’t pin why I was crying so hard. I was so relived to never have to go and do that again, but it was also bitter-sweet. I had NO IDEA what to do with myself. Id never chosen what I wanted to do. I really didn’t know who I was or what I was good at! 3 months tell I graduate high school and I’m having a mid life crisis.

People always ask me why I don’t do anything with hockey any more. My answer is because I don’t want to. I have no passion for it. I’d teach kids to skate but that’s about it.

What I took away from it all was an immense amount of mental strength, I was sharpening my warrior steal. I grew to not be as shy, and see what injustice is. I met some awesome people through my experience, they were the only reason I would enjoy going. How working as a team is an invaluable skill. No matter what other think, what you think is all that matters. To was the catalyst to send me off into what I am ambitious and extremely competitive about.

I had a hard time writing this. I didn’t know what I felt comfortable sharing, so this is a faint outline of my experience.

Feel free to comment to get anymore clarification, or information.

 

Thanks for reading guys, means a lot.